The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
