You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
