dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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