she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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