We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
