I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
