Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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