Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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