Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
