did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
