Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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