i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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