we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
