Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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