does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
