Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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