i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I wear drunk well.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
