This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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