My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Two words: nipple clamps
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