I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
