I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He passed out mid-signature
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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