I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
