you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
