i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
