I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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