the condom got lost in my hair
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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