Cold hands, warm shart.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
