Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
