put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
