his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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