I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
