Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
