We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
