He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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