I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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