i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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