Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
