OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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