And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
