Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
