That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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