Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Of course I have a pirate flag
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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