before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
