I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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