if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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