If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
