You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
