nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
