i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
