I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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